So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
you traded sex for a burrito?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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