Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
