Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
