Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
