I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
