Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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