im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
