I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
