guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
