there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
i think my cat just said my name.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
