The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
