She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
