she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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