I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Actions speak louder than pants.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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