How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
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I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
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Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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