Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
