Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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