when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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