i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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