the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
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Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
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I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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