I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
