He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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