The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
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And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
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Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.