i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea