Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.