my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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