That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
