I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
how drunk are you?
Several
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
