we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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