Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
My liver just had a heart attack.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
