shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
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He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
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I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
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