I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Randomize
