It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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