At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
