He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
did i walk over a car last night?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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