we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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