the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
