Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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