Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
