You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
