this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
