Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
