You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
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I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
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I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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