then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
These tits shall not be calmed
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
