apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
