if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
