im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
