I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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