a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
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the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
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Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
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