I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
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you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
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He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize