I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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