You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
