Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Randomize
