I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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