I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
