I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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