dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
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You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
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I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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