your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
