stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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