In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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