Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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