Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
